STABLE Recovery

Give Yourself to the Program

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves."  Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 5, How It Works, page 58, 4th Edition

This quote from the big book is pretty bold when it says people who do not recover either cannot or Will not completely give themselves the simple program.  I believe, in our society, many people would tend to be offended by a statement like this.  But the truth is, this statement is just as true today as it was when it was first written.  The first sentence helps us understand this statement, it says, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."  The key here is the statement "who has thoroughly followed our path."  In my work as a therapist, I have encountered many people who claim the program does not work for them.  My guess is, well over 90% of the people who came to me for some type of addiction, believed the program would not work for them.  I heard this over and over again.  In almost every case the person eventually admits they did not follow the program completely.  It's important to note the vast majority of clients I worked with over the years were there because someone else sent them to see me-the court system, a parole or probation officer, Department of Social Services, their employer, their spouse, and others. So, their internal motivation for change was very limited.  In my experience, it's easy to recognize those who are internally motivated for change.

I have seen a wide variety of reasons for not following the program including: I can't find a sponsor, I don't like my sponsor, I can't relate to my sponsor, I don't get along with my sponsor, the meetings are boring, the Big Book is hard to read, I can't relate to the people at the meetings, I can't find a meeting I like, I don't understand how to work the steps, I can relate to a higher power, I'm not an addict, I'm not an alcoholic, I was following the program (even though their actions did not match up with what they said), and many, many more.

Many people in therapy or counseling for addictions don't really want to change.  As a result, they come up with excuse after excuse.  They don't really want to thoroughly follow the program.  For some, this is a conscious choice, for others, it is unconscious.  The defense mechanism, denial, is unconscious.  The people who are truly in denial don't realize they are making excuses.  That's the power of denial-they really believe they are not addicted or they can't change.  Denial has become so cliché, that many people use it any time a person claims they are not addicted.  As I said before, true denial is unconscious.  When the big book says, "those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program" it is the people who "cannot" give themselves to the program who are in denial.  The people who "will not" are choosing not to give themselves to the program for whatever reason. In either case, people are failing in recovery because they are not giving themselves to the program. 

In order to thoroughly follow the path of successful recovery a person must overcome their conscious or unconscious resistance to giving themselves to the program.  So the question is, how do you give yourself to the program?  This quote from the big book says, the program is simple.  If it's simple why do so many people fail to find good, quality, recovery?  I think the answer is, simply, they don't want to quit their addictive behavior.  There is some "payoff" or "reward" that is keeping them all and their addictive behavior.  As I've already indicated, this could be conscious or unconscious.  Either way, the result is the same, they do not follow the program.

Breaking through the "denial" is very challenging and frustrating.  If you're not careful you find yourself going round and round in an unhealthy cycle.  Until they begin to recognize their denial there is little you can do to help them achieve healthy recovery.  In my experience, you must confront the denial consistently and point out the person's behavior that is destructive.  It's important to remain calm and adopt a "matter of fact" attitude.  Once you get emotionally entangled in this struggle you begin to lose the battle.  Avoid arguing with the person in denial.  Arguing helps them justify their denial-as they resist and counteract your argument they are adding to their arsenal.  The best plan is to just state the facts and leave it at that.  Eventually, the pain in their life caused by their addictive behaviors will be enough to help them break through their denial.  The problem is some people don't live long enough to break through denial because their addictions lead to life-threatening consequences.

Breaking through the resistance of a person who will not give themselves to the program is also difficult but different.  Some or all of their resistance is a conscious choice.  They are very good at manipulating and arguing and they know all they have to do is to not agree with you and they win.  With this group also, it's important to not argue.  The best course is to let them know that you know they are choosing not to be engaged in the program.  Again, state the facts, and leave it at that.  Until they are internally motivated to change they will not give themselves to the program.

This chapter refers to the program as "simple."  Many people tend to make the program complicated.  They do this by picking some parts of the program they will follow and some they will not follow.  For example, they might attend meetings but never get a sponsor and work through the steps.  Or, they may get a sponsor but never talk to the sponsor about their problems, struggles, or temptations.  Many, get a sponsor and begin working the steps, but they quit when they get hard (usually around step 4 or 5).  There are many other ways people make the program complicated, the common denominator for all of these is they don't follow the program as outlined in the Big Book.

So, the other side of the coin is, the program is simple when people do what the program says: attend meetings regularly, get a home group that you attend every week (so you get to know them and they get to know you), get a sponsor (preferably from your home group), have regular contact with your sponsor, begin working the steps with your sponsor, be open and honest with your sponsor and the group about your struggles, temptations, and mistakes, and keep coming back.  There are other things that will help you work your program of recovery but these are the essentials.  The bottom line is this, do what the program and your sponsor says.  The people who benefit the most from a 12 Step recovery program are the ones who get actively involved.  As a result, I always recommend people show up to the meeting a little early, talk to the people who are setting up and help them set up, arrange chairs, make coffee, etc. Also, stay late and talk to the people who hang around after the meeting.  These people are most likely the ones who are really engaged in their program of recovery.  In other words, these people are most likely there because they want to be there and they know how important the program is to their recovery.  The ones who don't want to be there, but are forced to be there, by the courts, their parole officer, or whoever, are the ones who get there right on time or late and leave as soon as it's over.

There's one more key phrase in this quote from the Big Book, and that is, "being honest with themselves."  It is hard work to be honest with yourself about all your flaws and all your failures.  That is why many people stop working the steps around step 4.  Doing an honest, "searching and fearless moral inventory" can be very difficult and even painful.  Giving yourself to the program requires this kind of honesty.  In fact, the person who is not honest with themselves will not remain in recovery very long.

One more thought about step 4, many people emphasize only the negative parts of their life in their moral inventory.  Certainly, the failures and mistakes a person makes have to be dealt with in recovery but, a moral inventory also needs to help you identify your strengths that will assist you in your recovery.

In my opinion, STABLE Recovery requires giving yourself completely to the program.  Take a minute and leave a comment-share your experience with giving yourself to the program.

Other posts you might also like:

Have You Worked the Steps

The Danger of Doing WellWork the Program

Work the Program

Keep It Simple

 Published by WebStory

Have You Worked the Steps?

Over the years I got in the habit of asking certain questions when speaking with a client who had relapsed.

Have you been attending meetings?

Have you been working with a sponsor?

How many of the 12 Steps have you worked?

It never failed to amaze me how many times the answers were the same.

I haven’t been to a meeting in a while.

I never did find a sponsor.

4 or 5.

Over and over again I would hear the same (or very nearly the same) answers.  There is no doubt in my mind, quality sobriety requires “working the program.”  That is a phrase many people seemed confused by but I think it’s very simple—working the program is doing what the program says to do.  By program I mean AA program as described in the Big Book (or other 12 Step Support Group).  The key to healthy sobriety is attending meetings, working with a sponsor, and working the 12 Steps. 

My question to you is have you worked all the 12 Steps?  If you haven’t, I encourage you to get with your sponsor (you do have a sponsor don’t you?) and start working them right away.  The 12 Steps are the path to healing.  You can’t afford to avoid working them since you chance of relapse is much greater if you don’t work the 12 Steps.

One last word about the steps.  They are not a magic formula that instantly give sobriety.  You will have to work very hard for sobriety, but, the 12 Steps will help you work through resentments, character defects, and making amends to those you have hurt. 

 

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Setting SMART Goals

There is no doubt about it—we accomplish more when we have specific goals we are working to achieve.  Here we are at the beginning of 2012 many people will be setting goals for themselves in the form of New Year’s Resolutions.  Here are some guidelines to help you successfully set and reach your goals.

Ask yourself, “Is this goal S.M.A.R.T.?”  S.M.A.R.T. stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely.

Specific 

Specific asnwers the question, “What?” It is important to be specific when setting your goals.  This keeps you focused on what, exactly, you are trying to accomplish.  Instead of saying, “I plan to walk everyday,” say, “I am going to walk at least 2 miles a day, 5 days a week.”

Measurable

Measurable answers the question “How Much?”  In addition to being specific a successful goal needs to be measurable.  In the previous example you can easily measure whether you have walked 2 miles per day, at least 5 days per week.

Attainable

Attainable describes “How To Get It.”  You need to know how you achieve your goal, then it an attainable goal.  If you don’t know how your will “get it” you will probably not achieve it.  It is helpful to break it down in smaller steps—achieving smaller pieces of a larger goal make it easier to achieve.

Realistic

Realistic is about the “Facts.” Is is practical or even possible that I could achieve this goal?  If your salary is $50,000.00 per year is it realistic to have a goal of putting $100,000.00 per year in a savings account?

Timely

Timely answers the question “When?” It is important to have a specific timeframe for your goals.  Having specific timeframes for your goal and any smaller steps to your goal help keep you on track and make achieving your goals much easier.  “I will set back $100.00 from each paycheck so I can buy new tires before winter weather gets here in December.”

Setting S.M.A.R.T. goals helps you to be successful in all parts of life.  This is especially important in recovery since achieving goals in recovery can mean the difference between life and death.

Happy New Year!

 

*I have seen the acronym S.M.A.R.T. in several places.  I do not know who originated this but many of the ideas in this post came from "DOING LIFE! International, Inc.”

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The Danger of Doing Well

Did you know there is danger in doing well in recovery?  This comes as a surprise to many people in recovery.  So, you are probably wondering how doing well in recovery could possibly lead to problems. Here are some situations for you to consider:

Many people stop doing everything the program says to do when they begin to feel they are doing well.  The 12 Step program works when people work the program.  But, when you stop working the program the program stops working.  Some examples include:

• Not going to meetings as often.
• Not going to meetings at all.
• They stop talking with their sponsor.
• They just attend meetings and never get a sponsor since they think they are doing OK on their own.
• They begin to ignore the advice of others in recovery since they think they are doing well.
• They stop working the steps or they never start working the steps.
• They try to work only the parts of the program they like.
• They hop from meeting to meeting and don’t have a specific home group which means they don’t have the accountability that a home group offers.
• They start getting cocky which can lead to many problems including hanging around using people and / or going to places where people are using.
• They begin to question whether they are really addicted which often leads to trying to use socially again.

These are just a few of the many possibilities.  Did you recognize yourself in any of these?  I think I have done most of these throughout my life. I have had trouble learning from my mistakes and as a result I have repeated many of these over and over. 

When you begin to realize you are having some success in working your program of recovery that is the time to buckle down and work the program even harder.  We have to stay focused on the program and the things that are working well and continue to do them. 

My hope is you can learn the easy way (by reading this) to avoid these traps that I learned the hard way.  But, if you are like most addicts you may have to learn it the hard way.  Maybe you can avoid repeating the mistakes over and over.  When you notice any of these behaviors or catch yourself thinking about doing any of these remember what I am saying in this post—stay focused on recovery, in fact buckle down and work the program that much harder.  In the end you will be glad you did.

Blessings.  I wish you a long, healthy, happy, STABLE Recovery.

Tim

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Talk With Someone About Your Feelings

Learning how to deal with extreme emotions such as anxiety, anger, fear, sadness, and many more, is very important in preventing relapse. Here is an excerpt from my book Handling Stress and Anxiety.  

Talking with someone else about our feelings is a fundamental need we have as humans. We need to share and associate with others as we go about our daily lives. To be able to share with someone else the thoughts and feelings that make us who we are helps us remain healthy and help us feel connected. Sometimes we don’t relate to others for whatever reason—fear of their response, pride, society or cultural norms, and many others. When we don’t share our feelings with others they tend to build up and they become hard to manage. Eventually, we get so full that we cannot hold them in any longer. Whatever we have been holding in will come out and when it comes it will be painful for us and for those around us. At times, we spend a lot of our time cleaning up the mess left behind by these periods of overflow.

Maybe you have experienced something like this. You are feeling stressed out because of the many problems in your life. When you think it couldn’t possibly get any worse, it does. You are worried about many things and find yourself easily irritated. Someone says or does something that you would normally be able to ignore but this time you over-react. Maybe even to an extreme amount that causes hurt feelings between you and the other person. This is a perfect example of overflow. We only have so much ability to hold in emotions and stress and when we reach our limit any small thing can set us off.

Everyone is different. Some have a greater ability to let things slide and keep from worrying but don’t be fooled stress and worry can be a problem for anyone in the right situation. Some people don’t seem to be able to handle anything. Everything bothers them and makes them nervous. On the other hand, some seem to be able to handle anything—nothing seems to bother them. But, the truth is people who handle stress in both of these styles can be emotionally and physically damaged by excessive stress. Stress can lead to many health problems up to and including heart disease and stroke.

“All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. That's in the nature of secrets.”  -Cory Doctorow

One of the dangers we run into is that of keeping secrets. Secrets are dangerous to our emotional health. They create many problems and complications that lead to a variety of problems including relapse to drugs, alcohol, and/or other problem behaviors. Secrets often begin innocently as temptations or thoughts that can be easily dealt with. There are different kinds of thoughts—those we have on purpose and those that just seem to come from nowhere. A thought that pops in our head from nowhere is an innocent thought.

Let’s take a look at a possible example. A typical situation might be you are going somewhere that has something you are trying to avoid—let’s say beer. You have just filled up your gas tank at a local convenient store and go inside to pay. As you walk to the counter you pass by a stack of 24 packs of your favorite beer. Immediately, the thought pops in your head that a beer right now would taste really good. But, you have decided that you are not going to drink any beer. So, you turn away from the beer and feel good about your will-power. You pay for your gas and pass the beer again on the way out to the car. You may even look away intentionally to avoid thinking about it. On the way home, you think about how the thought kind of surprised you and you again feel good about the fact that you so easily turned away from the temptation. That may seem like the end of it. The problem comes when that simple thought or temptation is held in and becomes a secret. We take simple thoughts like this and make them secrets for many reasons—we are afraid of what others will think about us if we tell them about the thought. Possibly, a spouse may chide us for thinking about drinking even though we had promised that we would not. Or, a friend who is still drinking might give us a hard time and say “I knew you weren’t going to quit.” There are many reasons why we don’t tell anyone but the end result is we allow an innocent thought to become a secret. The secret does not stay an innocent thought for long in the process of hiding it gains strength and momentum and can soon become an unbearable desire.

As with other examples, don’t get stuck on the details of the example, whether it is drinking or drugs or other behaviors. Look for the truths behind the details that you are able to relate to. It is easy to get hung up on the specifics and talk yourself into believing that it doesn’t refer to anything in you when it does.

The point here is we allow an innocent thought to become something unbearably powerful but keeping it hidden. We must share our thoughts and desires with others. By sharing them with others we decrease their power over us. By talking about them we gain power to control them better.

There are many ways to share with others by talking. Most people have someone they feel comfortable sharing with. Sometimes it just takes a little determination and effort to get the ball rolling, so to speak. You might find that talking with a friend, wife, husband, brother, sister, therapist, or in a group of others that share similar problems and goals can be a wonderful way to express your feelings and greatly decrease the amount of pressure in your life.

I hope you have enjoyed this excerpt from my eBook Handling Stress and Anxiety.

Blessings

Tim

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